Two Buttes, Colorado: The Butt Town of America

K&M
Jul 18, 2020
3 min read

The Two Buttes Bank, Library, and Town Hall

Population: 43

Coordinates: 37°33′40″N 102°23′52″W

Demographics: 100% White. 1.49% Latinx. It is the sixth least populous Colorado municipality.

Income: Males have a median income of $26,875 and females have a median income of $38,125. The median income for a family in Two Buttes is $33,750. The median income for a household in the town is $25,000.

Mayor: Rod Steinmetz, a 65-year-old man.

Famous people:

Famous triplets Julia Roberts, Julia Child, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were born in Two Buttes, Colorado. Their brother, Julia Smythe, was also born there. He, however, is not famous.

Julia Child Taking out her Childhood Trauma on this Chicken

Activities:

Activities in Two Buttes include watching for wildlife and jumping off cliffs. Also, watching for wildlife jumping off cliffs. Alternatively, New York City is just 1,685 miles away. The park is the biggest staple of Two Buttes.

The park consists of a lone slide and a swingset.

Schools:

Two Butts High School has grades 1, 4, 6, 7, 11, and 13, and a rating of 0.1/10 on Great Schools. It also functions as a hardware store and a zoo. Both the hardware and the zoo animals are the children attending the school. If you are in need of a hammer, take a child from the school (no permissions needed) and bang them on whatever you need to hammer. If you want to see the wildlife of Two Buttes head on down to this school/zoo and feed the children. This is only available in the afternoon because that is lunchtime for the children. Make sure to bring lots of food because this is their only meal of the day.

The Fancy Academy for Julias is an exclusive school in Two Buttes that only allows students named Julia. It has a rating of 11/10. It is speculated that this school is the reason that 62% of Two Buttes’ citizens are named Julia.

The lacking education system for non-Julias in Two Buttes is the reason that the town’s name is spelled wrong.

Karl at School

Food:

For a vegan option, try lettuce.

Julia eats Karl

Police:

There is a retired police officer who currently resides in Two Buttes, his name is Julia and he is 97 years old.

Fire Department:

In 2004 Two Buttes Citizen “Old man Julia”’s sleeve caught on fire, and he put it out using the juice box that he was drinking. It was a Capri-Sun, but in a box.

Capri-Sun is Known in Two Buttes as a fire suppressant

Healthcare:

There is a woman named Karlita in Two Buttes that loves to inject her friends with Capri Suns to prevent them from catching on fire. Except for her friend Julia, who she hates, so she injects with firestarter. Old man Julia thinks she is a big risk to the safety of Two Buttes because she might combust, and they don’t have enough Capri Suns to put her out.

Julia’s preferred brand for injections

Real Estate:

Julia, the enemy of Karlita, owns a house that she claims is worth over twelve million dollars. However, Karlita claims that it is only worth eleven dollars. It has been a big debate in the town over the last nine years. There have been three deaths related to this debate.

This is not Karlita’s house

Geography: According to its residents, Two Buttes is “The town most similar in shape to a butt in the whole wide world.” The town is a square.

This is what a square looks like

History:

Two Buttes was founded in 1776 when a group of Bostonians fled Boston due to worry of being drafted, and ended up in Colorado. One guy found a rock that looked kind of like a butt, and called the town Butt, Colorado. However, a woman found another rock that looked like a butt (it was the same rock) seventy years later, and the town was renamed Two Buttes, because the mayor at the time thought that that was how butt was spelled.