Loco Hills: The Birthplace of Despair

Population: 126

Coordinates: 32°49′08″N 103°58′40″W

Demographics: 1% Crazy people 99% Normal people who hate the crazy people for giving the town it’s bad name and reputation.

Income: This town has no income because everyone that lives here is either unemployed and broke or unemployed and a trust fund baby.

Mayor: It has been decided that the tallest hill in the town is the mayor. However, this changes very often. Because the hills are so crazy, they grow or shrink almost daily. (according to the town’s head geologist who is notoriously one of the crazy people)

Real Estate: In 2008, a 200 foot wide sinkhole formed in Loco Hills. It has been occupied since it was formed by Sarah McMillighan who says she would give it to anyone with a literal third eye if she could lick it. There is also an RV park just down the lane for anyone wanting a more… normal experience.

An Aerial View of the Loco Hills Sink Hole

Notable people: Though few notable people live there, several notable animals do. Clyde, the dog who played Marley in Marley and Me, lives in Loco Hills, as well as the pig who played Babe. The rat who played Remy in Ratatouille retired to Loco Hills. Also, Gordon Ramsey was born in Loco Hills.

Stars: They’re just like us- Ratatouille actor drinks his coffee in Loco Hills

Fire Department: In this so-called “hellish town” everything burns so easy that to live here you have to be a certified firefighter. Even though everyone is a certified firefighter, there are about 126 fires a year. This is because trust fund babies are stupid little creeps.

Police: Because of the immense wealth held by the trust fund kids and the extreme poverty of everyone else, there is a lot of crime in this town. The trust fund kids come out at night and steal what little things the poor people have. Nothing is done about this because life is cruel.

Schools: The Loco Hills school district is the fourth largest in the continent, if that continent is Antarctica. There is 1 school in Loco Hills, which has a population of 1 student, 0 teachers, and 3 volunteer janitors. It is called Stuart’s Academy for Children And More. Tuition is $72,965.28 per year.

Bathroom Facilities: The world is your toilet when you are from Loco Hills.

Geography: In this barren “hellish town” there are only bushes, mud, and sand. The ideal vacation spot for Satan. The average temperature is about 117º Fahrenheit year round. In Celcius that is equal to [insert 117º Fahrenheit in Celsius].

Food: Kelly’s Cafe has a rating of 4.6 stars. Google reviewer Anita Jack says, “Every place else was closed down.” Loco Hills gas station is also an option, reviewer xXChivas#1Xx said “Real good food!”. However, he only gave it 3 stars. Why, Chivas?

Common Jobs: Nobody in this town works.

What One Resident is Doing Instead of Working

Attractions: There are two churches in Loco Hills. The Satanic Temple and The American Girl Doll store. Both of them have very devoted followers in this town. Or, you can stop by Debbie’s house for a swim in her pool. Reviewer Debbie says, “Please stop using my pool.” Debbie's house does not have a pool.

Parents Bring Their Children to Church

Health care: If Debbie catches you in her backyard, you will probably need to see a doctor of some kind. Coincidentally, the only doctor is Debbie’s cousin, Wallison, M.(She dropped out of medical school to pursue soapbox car racing before she got the ‘D’ in ‘M.D.’)Wallison resets dislocated shoulders and removes casts. Do NOT ask Wallison to put on a cast.

Fun Facts: Loco Hills is the 17th largest municipality in the state of New Mexico. This is not fun, nor is it a true fact, but it is a sentence.

Transportation: Loco Hills is less than 1 square mile. This means the only transportation there is wiggle cars. If you would like to rent one on the DL, go to Kelly’s Cafe and request the “New Mexico-style clam chowder”. They will take you to the back room where, due to an ordering error (Kelly does not know how to use Amazon) there are literally thousands of wiggle cars to choose from.

Just a few of the many options

History: Loco Hills began when a terrible father named Terrence Vawlk-Tuti, who lived in Artesia, New Mexico, banished his 7 children from his home after thinking that one of them ate the last muffin in 1901. They wandered east on Route 82 until they all simultaneously collapsed of dehydration and exhaustion trying to climb one of the many hills in Loco Hills. When they woke up, they decided they would never be able to succeed in climbing it, so they might as well just stay in the area they collapsed in. The next week, an oil baron named Percifus came to start digging for oil. Percifus asked the oldest sibling, Hubert-Claude, what the area was called. Hubert- Claude looked over at his younger brother Willard, who was crazy, and said “Loco”. Then he looked at one of the Hills, and said “Hills.” Percifus then employed all the kids, including Willard, as oil diggers. The town grew by an average of one person every year until it became what it is today. In 1914, Terrence Vawlk-Tuti found his children to tell them that he had found the missing muffin behind the refrigerator, and that they could come home. The children forced him to eat the 13 year old muffin himself, and he died.

Terence Vawlk-Tuti and The Muffin Seconds Before His Death

Parks: There are no official parks in Loco Hills, but most children play in the oil fields. This fact might be the reason that the #1 cause of death for people under 18 is being crushed by those oil digger things. However, that is just a theory. The #1 cause of death in adults is wiggle car accidents. At the time of writing, it has been 8 days since the last wiggle car accident. R.I.P. Boris.

Uh oh

Disclaimer: This is meant as a joke. The information is not correct.