Barton in the Beans: Lots of Beans, No Hurt Feelings

Population: The population was 177 in 1830. Since then, every time the census people come, everyone in the town slithers into their hidey-holes, so it’s impossible to tell what the population is now.

Coordinates: 52.65°N 1.42°W

Mayor: Nobody knows who the mayor is. The townspeople cast ballots for mayor every 4 years, but they decided it would make the person who lost too sad if they announced a winner, so the ballot counters keep the election results a secret from everyone, including the mayor.

She could be the mayor

Demographics: 99% bean eaters, 23% people that don’t like beans but eat it to be like “the cool kids,” 3% people who only eat beans, 1% that one person who does not like beans and that the neighbourhood shuns.

Income: The town believes in communism and everyone makes the same amount of money: one dollar.

Notable people: John Goodman, a baptist preacher, was from Barton in the Beans. He was famous for hiring out leeches for the purposes of bloodletting. He would waddle into lakes with bare legs to get the leeches. However, he is no longer famous, because his practice ended in 1992.

A picture of the first leech caught by Mr Goodman

Real Estate: This town is called “hamlet” what we think that means is that all the houses are old and “quaint.” Because of the looks of the old houses, the town has decided there can be no new houses. You have to wait until a whole household dies before you can move into their house. That is why the murder rate in this town is so high.

This house has changed families 13 times in 20 years. Think of all the death.

Schools: There is a preschool, elementary school, middle school, and high school in Barton in the Beans. However, the residents believe in a “Benjamin Button” style of education, meaning the kids start in 12th grade and end up in preschool. The curriculum in each grade fits with the British standards, which results in some very confused five-year-olds and some very dumb 18-year-olds.

Police: The police force in this town is made up of 10 very nice people. You may think that this is a good citizen to police ratio for proper safety in this town but the police are just too nice. They think that they would hurt criminals feelings if they interrupted their crimes so they just let crime happen. They also turn a blind eye to anyone murdering a family to be able to move into their house.

Fire Department: “Fire department” is an elective for Barton in the Beans schools. Because students only get electives in middle and high school, the fire department is made up of children ages 4-12. One fire in the early 2000s burned eight buildings, as it started at 4 in the morning and couldn’t be put out until 6th period, which started at 1:30 PM.

Strategizing about how to put out the latest fire

Geography: For a few weeks in the early sixties, the population was completely divided over whether the town was shaped like a toad or an egg. They went to the mayor to resolve the issue, but because nobody knew who the mayor was, that strategy did not work. The feud was resolved when a high school senior named William drew a picture of a house and told his mother it was his home. She thought he meant he’d drawn a picture of his hometown, and therefore figured that Barton in the Beans was shaped like a house. Everyone else became convinced that the drawing was a map of the town. After all, William was in AP geography and as such, he’d be proficient in maps. Remember, he was 6.

Weather: This town is in England. That means that the weather is “absolute crud” according to anyone that lives there. 74% of the time, it is cloudy and cold. 9% of the time, it is below freezing. 8% of the time it is raining. 6% of the time it is snowing (not beautiful snow but more of a slush). 3% of the time the skies are clear and it is warm.

Food: There are no grocery stores or restaurants in Barton in the Beans, meaning residents rely primarily on what they grow. Unfortunately, crop turnout is very low because of the farms doubling as parks(see parks). However, because beans are considered sacred, no one tramples them. This means there is an abundance of beans in Barton in the Beans, making beans the majority of the average resident’s diet.

All hail the beans

Bathrooms: Because of the strict area codes, no new buildings can be built in Barton in the Beans that means all the bathrooms are old-timey. When travelling to this town, expect buckets.

History: The town was founded when a late 1800s tour group got lost on their way to a carnival located in the nearby city of Leicester. The carnival attraction they were most excited about was called The Miraculous Bean Eater, in which a man was rumoured to be able to eat the beans from 24 English breakfasts in one sitting. After being lost for almost a full twenty minutes, a man named Barton Beeston-Bingham proclaimed “If we can’t get to see The Miraculous Bean Eater, I will eat the beans myself.” He then opened his suitcase, which was full of loose cooked beans. He accidentally dropped the beans and slipped, falling right into them. From then on, the area was known as Barton in the Beans, and the tour group never left. Except for Barton, who fled in shame immediately after the bean incident.

Spectators gawk at the size of The Miraculous Bean Eaters 16th portion in 1807

Attractions: An average of one time per month, there is a founders day parade. However, there is no set date for this. A founders day parade happens any time someone in the town slips and falls in a funny way. The Barton in the Beans population considers this the best way to celebrate the way their town was founded(see history).

Jobs: This town's citizens are not that well educated for some reason and because of that all of them are unaware of how to get a job. Because of this, they just do what they can to stay alive, the ones that end up getting money share it with their neighbours because they also faced hardship money wise. When someone needs help, say, fixing their sink, someone who is good at doing stuff like that will fix it for free knowing that who they are fixing it for will return the favour somehow. Because of this, no one is technically employed but they do what they can to keep the town functioning.

Fun Facts: Barton in the Beans was declared a historical heritage site in 1972 that means that there is absolutely nothing exciting about it.

Transportation: The only thing you need to know about transportation when visiting Barton in the Beans is that under no circumstances should you enter Martin’s van.

Parks: Barton in the Beans is surrounded by farm fields. Both the children and adults use these fields as their parks. They roll around in the mud when it has just rained (see weather), they run around though the crops seeing how many they can trample compared to their friends, they sometimes just sit there and eat the crops. This all may sound fun but the best part is running away from the farmer who is very unhappy with how you are treating their field.

A popular park