Capri, Italy: The birthplace of short pants and great juice

Population: 7,320

Coordinates: 40°33′N 14°15′E

Demographics: Italians, tourists, and Italian tourists

Income: The average citizen gets 10 6 oz. boxes a day. The average upper class citizen gets 12 6 oz. bags a day.

Mayor: Cirino Lembo

Real Estate: Although there are no houses that are available to purchase there is a big business for squatting in houses. There is a schedule you can access online if you pay the right price to the right people that tells you the amount of time that certain houses’ tenants will be on vacation. There are no guarantees that the tenants will actually be gone when you arrive.

Notable People: Ironically enough, the Kool Aid man was born in Capri although his family quickly moved to Hollywood to find their interestingly shaped son a life of stardom and many concussions.

Attractions:

A very popular attraction is the Muro di Succo di Capri. It is the site where the inventor of Capri Suns slammed into the wall in anger after finding out he was no longer the only juice maker in Capri. Two days later, it became the site where he slammed into the wall a second time after learning that his signature “wall-slam” move had been stolen by his biggest competitor, the Kool-Aid Man.

Food: It is rare that solid food is consumed in Capri. In Winter, there is often a serious famine on the Island. This is due to the juice freezing and becoming solid. Because of the citizens of Capri having weak and rotted teeth, they are unable to consume the juice when it’s solid. Arby’s has the meats, but there are unfortunately no Arby’s in Capri.

Sustenance

Sewage: Because of the rarity of solid food in Capri, the city's sewer system has received two awards from the world sewage troop for being not only the city with the smoothest flowing sewage system but also the city with the best smelling sewage system. Their award states, “If you enter their sewers, you see a river of flowing feces. This may sound disgusting to some, but this town manages to keep their sewage smelling like fruit punch.”

Health Care: Capri’s citizens maintain excellent health even though they have the highest sugar consuming rate than any other town in Italy. Some doctors have studied the citizens and note that, “ … they are always so active. The school yards are hard to watch without getting a headache. ...the kids just move so fast.” Dentists, however, make bank in Capri.

Schools: School days in Capri run only from 9:00PM to 12:00AM. This is in part because of the manic pace of the citizens, and also because the only topic students are educated on in Capri is juice. Normally, this would not be allowed by Italy’s school system, but education department experts who have visited the island have agreed that juice is the only skill needed on Capri.

Fire department: If you burn it once, it wont burn again.

Police: The Capri police department has recently become famous for riding around on Bird™ scooters. Bird™ has become very angry about the lawsuits they have been receiving from the Capri PD about how they need to push before getting the boost. This has led to Capri PD losing many criminals and to them hiring a lawyer to help them in this lawsuit. Another problem has been the police department putting sirens and snack compartments on the scooters. When Bird™ employees tried to go to the island to resolve these issues, the Police department threatened to switch to Lime™ Scooters.

Parks: You can take a stroll along the island and see many historical places. Or, you can go to the Capri city pool and swim in juice. Although it may be fun to drink, don’t. Many people think that the yellow color of the pool is due to it being apple juice. This is not the case, as the pool is filled with lychee juice, which is white in color. Remember, this pool is also where most of Capri’s children get together.

Geography: Big rock coming out of the ocean next to much bigger rock that is connected to an even bigger rock. This is an island so it is only the smallest big rock. On top of this rock there is grass and other stuff. Beneath it is more rocks. Also some child dungeons. You get store credits at Build-A-Bear if you liberate children.

Rocks

Weather: Capri is quite warm all year round, except for September fourteenth. For some reason, on this day every year, the temperature drops well below zero. Despite the regularity of the event, the entire town is always extremely surprised and unprepared for it. Also, even though this is usually the only day of the year that the temperature goes down to freezing, all the juice in the town always freezes solid during the winter months. Many townspeople speculate that this is because the juice is confused. For the most part, people don’t worry about why it happens and just enjoy the fact that it makes the city pool into a beautiful ice skating rink.

This is the actual Capri Sun. However, it is also the New York City sun, and the Shanghai sun, and the Bad Aussee sun, and the Costa Rica sun, because it is the same sun everywhere. Except Tatooine, there is another sun for Tatooine.

History: In 1456, Alessandro Adiago Ferrari-Giuseppe Pizzeria the seventeenth arrived on the island in 1456 after being banished from Italy, Spain, Russia, and Thailand for repeated public urination. After “christening” the island with his signature move, he named it Fiorentino after his distant cousin, Vincenzo Fiorentino. However, when Vincenzo learned of this, he was understandably unhappy, as Pizzeria was an embarrassment to the family and Vincenzo didn’t want anything to do with him. Vincenzo sent an army to kill Pizzeria, and they succeeded swiftly before returning to mainland Italy. However, one soldier, a six year old named Deluigi, got lost and was left behind on the island. He named it Capri, after his imaginary friend. When he was found 4 years later, he was not alone- there were seventeen children ages 0-3 on the island with him. When asked about this, he insisted that they had been immaculately conceived. Deluigi, as well as the children he was found with, are the ancestors of Capri’s current citizens.

Common jobs: The most common jobs in Capri are, for obvious reasons, in the juice business. 15% of Capri residents are juice makers (A little known fact is that Capri Suns are made by stepping on fruit and other “natural” products. The companies think warts and toe jam add a distinct taste to their juice that just can't be beat by machines.). 20% are juice supervisors, to make sure the juice makers are hygienic and ethical. 30% are juice testers, to ensure that the juice is top-quality. 35% are juice executives. 62% are juice ethics consultants, so that people can be sure they are drinking ethically made juice (or unethically made juice, if that is what they are into). The remaining -47% percent of people are police officers, teachers, government officials, pant makers, pant testers, doctors, dentists, and magicians.

The makers of Capri Suns take pride in their foot made juice.

Fun Facts: If you spell Capri backwards, you get irpac. This is very hard to pronounce and it is not a word.

Transportation: There are no rental car places on the island and no fairies there that means you are not going to get a car. You are now at mercy of public transit and apps like Rebu™ and Tfyl™. The romantic winding roads of Capri are not suitable for busses, making the biggest mass transit in the city a 27 year old golf cart being driven around by a 9 year old. There is no schedule, destination map, nor stopping. You can try and catch up and jump on the cart. Though that is one of the more expensive options, costing $53 for each person that jumps on. Another option is using your phone to order a Rebu™ or Tfyl™ driver. They usually arrive within an hour. The way it works is you get on their back and they run as fast as then can towards your destination. Trip-free rides are not guaranteed. If you are traveling with a partner, you need to order a Rebu+™ or a TfyLARGE™ driver. That makes a bodybuilder be your diver/runner. Another option is to walk.

Bibliography:

•https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capri

•https://arbys.com/