Bad Aussee: The Geographical Midpoint of Austria

Population: 4,833

Coordinates: 47°36′36″N 13°46′58″E

Demographics: Bad Aussee is 47% Pacific Islander, 32% Black, 27% Asian, 14% Latinx, and .3% White. Although, some townspeople speculate that it is 99.9998% Pacific Islander and .0002% Reptilian.

Notable People:

•Two Austrian writers- Barbara Frischmuth and Alfred Komarek

•Austrian actor and director, Klaus Maria Brandauer

•The self-proclaimed “inventor” of Potatoes and the certified inventor of the Potato Cannon, Günter Czachí

•Miss World 1987, Ulla Weigerstorfer.

•Austrian climber, Paul Preuss

A Potato

Mayor:

Franz Frosch, a member of the ÖVP(Austrian Peoples’ Party), a Christian-Democratic Conservative political party in Austria. It is one of the two major political parties in Austria, along with the SPÖ(Social Democratic Party of Austria). It’s speculated amongst the townspeople that the reason Frosch always wears feather hats is related to the reason why he jumped off a cliff trying to fly and broke his legs- he is jealous of birds.

A Feathered Hat on a Rock

Real Estate:

There is a two-bedroom space in Bad Aussee, currently for rent at €60. It’s the first story on a two-story traditional Austrian chalet. Currently, it is where the mayor stores his non-feather hats. The price is so low because people are afraid of stumbling upon a non-feathered hat so they buy much more expensive houses for the piece of mind.

A Non-Feathered Hat on a Rock

Geography:

The town is known as the geographical midpoint of Austria. It is located in Traun Valley, southeast of Bad Ischl.

Most Scientists agree that

Bad Aussee is Located on Planet Earth

Food:

There are about fifteen restaurants in Bad Aussee. One is a Chinese Restaurant called China Restaurant Asia Haus. Google Reviewer Joel Saindon says, “Never thought I'd find the best Chinese food I've ever had in this small town, but this is where it was.” There is another Restaurant, Restaurant Kirchenwirt, that serves Austrian food and is rated the best restaurant in Bad Aussee on Tripadvisor. Cafe Pizzeria Kebap serves pizza and Kabobs. It has been said that they will not serve you if you don’t speak Austrian. One of the most exotic restaurants in Bad Aussee is the water cafe known locally as Das Wassercafé. The locals love it but tourists are known to go into shock because of the high salt content of the water. Once in shock, there is a chance you pass out and start hallucinating. That is what makes Das Wassercafé into such a destination for people looking for good times. The locals are very jealous because they can not get the hallucinations from the water but they are not jealous about how about half of the time tourists drink the water, they die.

What Tourists See After Drinking

the Water from Das Wassercafé.

History:

The people of Bad Aussee have a very strange belief about their history compared to what most historians believe. The historians think that the town of Bad Aussee was formed because of the salt baths in Bad Aussee, known for their healing properties. The people of Bad Aussee do also think the salt was a key part of their founding, but they think the salt is not from the ground as the scientists and historians think but that the salt is from the lizard god Zorp der Vermesser’s pee. Because of this, all babies born in Bad Aussee are baptized in what the locals think is a giant lizard’s pee. To this day, there is an annual mountain goat competition where the people of Bad Aussee paint goats green like Zorp and send them up the town's neighboring hills. The first goat to make it to the top has its head cut off and is paraded around town atop the gun that they used to shoot all of the “not worthy of Zorp” goats.

This Lizard Was Mistaken for Zorp by a Canadian Tourist, Causing Mass Riots Throughout Bad Aussee. The Tourist Was Forced to Drink Water From Das Wassercafé. She Died Shortly Thereafter.

Schools:

• Good Aussee Preschool: Good Aussie Preschool, located in the Eastern portion of bad Aussee, has a rating of 10/10 on Great Schools and has 29 students. 100% of the students are Pacific Islander, and 40% of the students are under eighteen years old.

• There is only one school in Bad Aussee. This is because after children turn five years old, they are taken up to the mountain to be tested if they are worthy to be followers of Zorp. If they are, they are killed and sacrificed to Zorp. If they are not, they are not considered good enough to take up the town’s education budget and they are sent to a local woman named Bertilda’s basement to live. Most fail so they kill themselves rather than go to Bertilda’s basement. This makes it so around 90% of the kids that get taken to the top of the mountain die. Although that is a lot, the people of Bad Aussee have so many kids that the population does not waver even with all of the death.

• Der Tempel des Zorp der Vermesser: Although not technically a school, all of the people above the age of five in Bad Aussee go there three times a week. Monday, Wednesday, and again on Monday. They go on these days because they think that these are the worst days of the week and that Zorp wants his followers to be suffering when they think about him. At Der Tempel des Zorp der Vermesser, followers drink saltwater and chant in tongues. Scientists often listen in on these chants because when deciphered properly they have predicted big catastrophic events such as earthquakes, tornadoes, and monsoons. You can listen in on these chants by sitting in the basement/wine cellar beneath the church as long as you have drunken the water from Das Wassercafé first.

Scriptores 'licentia esset usus est in huic oj

Bibliography:

https://www.britannica.com/place/Bad-Aussee

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Aussee

https://www.badaussee.at/b%C3%BCrgermeister

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/overseas-property-for-sale/Bad-Aussee.html?sortType=2&includeSSTC=true&_includeSSTC=on&currencyCode=GBP

https://www.4321property.com/search/?Rental=Rent&Country=austria&city=&search=&ad=169355&a1=styria&a2=politischer+bezirk+liezen&a3=bad+aussee

https://www.tripadvisor.es/Restaurant_Review-g641757-d5259803-Reviews-Kirchenwirt-Bad_Aussee_Styria.html

Photo Credits:

https://www.pikrepo.com/ffrvr/gray-trilby-hat-on-top-of-rock

https://www.pxfuel.com/en/free-photo-qdrhm

https://pixabay.com/vectors/background-surreal-psychedelic-5184604/

https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/en/view-image.php?image=137873&picture=potato

https://www.ecosia.org/images?q=lizard&license=public#id=EC7D9D0639E43D5877107396D887F084A8AE3B83

https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q251065

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/stegosaurus-dinosaur-stego-dino-3129447/

http://andrewcatsaras.blogspot.com/p/our-solar-system.html